Feeling defeated

Fair warning, this one is very personal and a bit negative but we all have those days, right.

I'm so tired of being broke. I never thought I would be here again. My husband was laid off in Jan last year (last day). We lost our insurance and everything. 3 months later I was fired when the baby was 4 weeks old for abandoning my position and lost my truck, our family vehicle. I've tried to find a lawyer but can't get a call back. My unemployment ran out first week of December. Husband makes $8 on a temp job that has only continued because of luck. We haven't gone out in a year unless someone takes us. We have enough to pay rent next month but not our bills. If I don't start working we will have to move in with family in February. I feel like a failure as a parent. I should be able to take care and provide for my kids and I can't. I've had to ask family for help. I just want this nightmare to be over. I grew up and got responsible and for nothing because I'm losing my shit anyway.
Our rent house has flooded 3 times this year and has mold but we can't move without going to a family member's house. I'm glad they are there for us but I'm almost 40. I shouldn't be doing this anymore. Took forever to get a good man and we can't catch a break. To top it off I've had abdominal pain for a week and can't see a doctor. I am hungry because we can't buy enough food (but I make sure the kids have plenty, they will always have if I have to sell everything I own). I've applied for food stamps which I'm embarrassed about but it's taking forever to process. I'm just defeated and tired. I love my kids and family more than anything. They are my world and deserve everything. This time last year I was able to give them anything but now we struggle for everything. They say it gets better and once you hit bottom you have to come back up. They say karma treats you as you treat others. So why aren't things better or getting better? We are good people that are always there for others and willing to work. So why are we in this position? I know we aren't alone but it feels like we are. People say so many jobs have been created. Then why can't I find one? I have experience and some college. I'm professional and friendly and great with paperwork. The honest starve while the dishonest drive Cadillacs and live off welfare, that's why. I've always felt like a good parent and, right now, I don't, and that's what hurts the most

Rant over.

14 years later

This morning I will take a moment of silence to reflect and then to pray for all those that were lost and directly affected by that morning. The entire nation changed that day. It brought unity and patriotism to a nation that had forgotten, and now, once again, we have forgotten. It saddens me to see the recent racism and hate that has ensued. We need to reunite as one nation and stop allowing the media to divide us.

Just writing...

I have written for quite some time now even being published at some point. I woke up this morning and sat and thought about my family and how much they mean to me. I had to write. It's not one of my best and pretty mushy but this morning I am filled with love and happiness!

The love of my family

When I'm close to you,
All of my troubles melt away.
I am filled with comfort.
I am filled with love.

When I'm close to you,
I forget the world is around.
I have you near.
That is all that matters.

When I look in your eyes,
I am reminded.
There is nothing to big.
There is nothing we can not conquer.

Teenagers

Something I don't get about teens is how they can hurt someone they love over and over and be ok with it. I don't understand how they can smart off and belittle parents and authority figures and think that's ok. They have a sense of entitlement and arrogance that really gets to me. Most aren't raised that way. So where does that come from? They don't understand that a parent's outward anger is actually hurt inside and a way to hide the tears.
On another note, school starts tomorrow. I'm so excited to have a high school student. I'm so excited to have a band member. I'm so excited to be so involved in band and that my arrogant jerk of a teen is ok with mom being around all the time and wants me there. To be clear, he's not always that way. He just gets to me at times. If he will just behave, this year is going to be amazing for us both!
3.0 has his 4 month doctor appointment tomorrow. I get to find out how much he's grown.  He's so chunky and it's precious!
Happy first day of school to all!!!

Falling behind but catching up

I have greatly fallen behind on my posting but catching up on things around the house.

Took 3.0 on his first picnic and put his little feet in the water at the splash pad. He seemed unsure but ok. I also got on a swing and swung gently with him. He really seemed to enjoy it. 

I finished the shelf I was painting and decorating for him and I love how it turned out.  I'm getting so close to being done with his room. I'm making a little side table for next to my rocker in his room that will eventually be his night stand. I have it cut and sanded. Just need to finish putting it together and paint it. Hoping to get it completed this weekend.

I planted a few things that seem to be doing well. Looking forward to some fresh vegetables.  Just have peas and tomatoes for now but it's better than nothing.

I found a little tree frog living in my hanging basket.  I've been crazy about taking care of it and making sure it is left alone. I love frogs. He leaves every night to eat and comes back every morning to burrow in my plant.

Today I made fig jam. It's my first time with figs. I hope it sets right. I can fix it if not but it's a pain. I know the flavor was marvelous.  I added a touch of cinnamon that really made it.

Ds1 is getting ready to start his freshman year summer band camp. I spent a couple of days having some one on one time with him.  Won't be long until he's too busy or moved away. I also find I have fewer behavioral issues with him when we spend a day together here and there. Sometimes I think he just wants to be heard and treated like an older person. I can do some of that within reason. Everyone needs attention now and then.

I made some super noodles last night. Cooked 2 small packs of linguini. Then combined 1-2 lbs Italian sausage,  salt, about half of an onion finely chopped and cooked just until done. Then add noodles to mixture with 1/2 cup basil pesto 1/2 cup fresh shredded parmesan, and 1/2 cup chopped tomato and mix well. I served it with garlic bread and salad and sprinkled a little parmesan on top. It was amazing!

Next on today's agenda...work on my friend's car. That's right folks. I'm a mom with wrench turning abilities.  I could be dangerous. Lol

Wow I've been busy today. I need a nap!

Cleaning fun

Has anyone heard of using a one and one mixture of vinegar and blue dawn for cleaning?  I tried it because I've desperately been looking for something to remove soap scum. No matter how much I've cleaned my tub it just gets worse. This actually works!!! You can see where it was applied and streaked down through it. I applied last night and rinsed/wiped this morning.  I did not scrub at all. Absolutely amazing. I'm all over mixing it up and trying it on everything.  Lol

I have come to the realization that there is nothing more relaxing than a sleeping baby in your arms with a loving dog by your side.  I love my mornings before anyone else is awake that I get quiet time with 3.0. He and I are early risers. I caught him sucking his thumb for the first time today.  His other four fingers were covering his face instead of in a fist. It was too cute.

Ever since I started designing the nursery
I planned to make a small shelf/table to put next to my rocker/recliner that would later be used as a nightstand.  My dad bought the wood for me before he was born but I was unable to get it done because the pregnancy got me down so badly.  Today we finally cut the pieces. I hope to get it put together tomorrow and maybe sanded at least. We will see. I'm just excited to be making progress.  Hopefully I will get his room finished by the end of the month.

Early appointment tomorrow to see about ds1 getting braces. Hoping it goes well and the insurance approves them.  His upper canines can't come down because there isn't enough space but he's on medicaid for now and it's super hard to get approved with them. So we will see. If not we will wait until I start a new job and get private insurance. 

I reckon that's all for tonight. Wishing the best to all. I cook a lot and crochet. Let me know if there is anything specific you would like to see, a recipe or project. Be sweet...

It's hot...

We live in a duplex and the ac doesn't keep up well in the dead of summer. Today I finally had to turn on the window units to help. Geez it's hot.

Ds1 continues to test my patience.  I tell him to do something and have to really push to get it done. Today i had to take his phone. Needless to say he got an attitude but it got done! I hate having to do that.  I wish he would just do as he's told but he will learn one way or another.

The sweet loving fuzzbutt in the picture is Chiona. She's a chihuahua and weimaraner mix. I have no idea how that happened. Anyway, she's also a crazy daredevil and, though she was spade at just 3 months old, thinks she's supposed to mother everything.  Last night she ran round and round in the house and would slide at every stop.  She's so silly and we were laughing so hard.

This morning I got up and made breakfast for the family that included scrambled eggs, bacon, and biscuits from scratch in the shape of paw prints.  My scratch recipe includes a stick of butter, tsp of salt and baking powder,  around 3-4 cups flour, and just enough milk so it holds together but not sticky.  I mix it together and roll them out to about 3/4 inch thick and bake at 350 until they spring back when touched.  Never dry hockey pucks.  :D